Why are Shy People Shy?

While no two people are the same, there are some basic commonalities to shyness. Most of it comes from childhood and is reinforced everyday through your behaviors. People may have told you growing up that you were shy. This is what happened to me. This only reinforced my shyness. It fed into my habit. If you’re told that you are shy, then you will act shy. But you’re not as shy as you think.

Acute Stress Response

If you’re shy, then you are probably familiar with the Acute Stress Response or “Fight or Flight” response. This is when your heart  rate increases, your muscles tense up and your stomach may be in knots. You may experience this in social situations. Why does this happen? This is all due to your sympathetic nervous system. Specifically the amygdala. That’s the guy who sets it all in motion. A tiny, almond shaped portion of the brain. This is your fear organ. It is a primitive leftover from the caveman days. Back when you may have needed to actually run for your life. The thing is, we no longer live lives that need extreme fear to keep us alive. Yet this still exists. The amygdala doesn’t differentiate between levels of danger. It will treat a wild dog attacking you the same as you thinking you’ve lost your wallet. All it knows is, there is a danger.

Recently, I went to take out the trash. As I got close enough to take the lid off the can, I heard some rustling inside. I went into “fight or flight”. My muscles tensed, I became incredibly focused on the trash can. I was ready to swing my trash bag as an impromptu weapon. As I slowly backed away, out pops a squirrel through a small hole in the lid. He scampered off and bolted up a tree with an avocado pit in his mouth. The squirrel was just as scared as I was. We were operating of the same system. That fear, the fear I was about to be killed, really wasn’t warranted, but it occurred nonetheless.

-Exercise: Squirrel in a Trash Can

Next time you are engaged in a social interaction and you feel your Acute Stress Response flaring up, just remember that squirrel. Remember how terrified I was of nothing at all. A noise. That’s it. And I was ready to come out swinging. Imagine how silly I looked and now apply it to yourself in this social situation.

-Exercise: Fear...Your best Indicator

If you’re afraid, then it means you are making progress. You are scared because it is something you’ve never done before. You don’t know what is happening or what is going to happen. (It’s nothing bad, I assure you). This fear is the best indicator that you are moving in the right direction. It’s is important to follow it. The next time you approach someone or are in a situation like a meeting and you feel that fear, then you know you’re about to make a choice, do I speak my mind, do I say what I want, or do I just hold back and agree with everyone even though it may not be what you want.